A “little something”

So, it’s 10 o’clock at night and I’m not sure why I’m still up but, I am. I am literally an old lady now. 8 o’clock bed time PLEASE! It wasn’t always like that though. My story is nowhere near as bad as some but, it’s mine. I remember when not too long ago I was literally living off of 45 minutes to about 2 hours of sleep a day. I was really doing something if I could get that 2 hours, and I felt like that is what I was supposed to be doing. Like, I wasn’t a strong independent woman if I wasn’t pushing myself to exhaustion hustling to make ends meet. At least that is what every person around me thought.

Some years back I went through a “little something”. That is how I’ll put it because I am not ready to even travel down that road so, I’ll keep it at a “little something”. When I tell you I have never felt more defeated in my whole life. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, be sad, mad, glad even.. It broke me. I would drop to my knees, praying and crying so hard for God to take me away from it all. I lived out of one room in my house. I watched the same DVDs over and over.. which consisted of cartoon movies that my children wanted to watch. I didn’t even listen to the radio. I couldn’t hear one single thing without it shaking me to my core. I drove an hour to school one way and when I tell you I had to clean out the floorboard of my passenger side every single time because it was full of tissues. I checked my mirror, fixed my face. Nobody ever knew. They didn’t know how I rode in silence, just praying out loud all the way. I never thought I’d recover. I tried so hard. I stopped by the bookstore one day and purchased a new journal. I love my journals, and I had to have this one because it was just so cute.. I got home, no time for a nap that day, and got ready for work. I sat there that night and just wondered what I would write. My life story? Heck no. Who wants to read that? Then I just opened it up and started. I jotted down the date, and began. “Dear God…”, and it went on. I cried, and I wrote as fast as I could! Then it became habit. I started to listen to the little video clips of sermons that show up on Instagram and Facebook. I could feel what they were saying and if I felt like they were speaking right to me, I’d go YouTube the sermon. I would take my second journal and write notes. I noticed I felt like I had a fighting chance when I started with my prayer journal. I wrote almost every day. I started using that hour to listen to full sermons instead of the little short clips and I found myself humbled and thankful! I am living proof that you can make it. No, my “little something” might not be a big deal for some but it was the start of a new beginning for me. I went from being completely broken to feeling more whole than I have ever felt. I am still a work in progress but, when I tell you God gave me everything I prayed for… I’m getting emotional just thinking about it. I have a way to go and other areas in my life that need work. That’s life. We all, will always need some work. Nobody is perfect!

I let go of what I thought my life should be. I let God take over. I don’t want anything I think I want. I want everything he has for me because, I know that what he has for me is more than what my head can even think of. I could really go on and on but, I won’t take it that far just yet.. I just felt the need to share because, a little over three years later, and my journal was full. This was sometime back but, I looked at it today and finally had the courage to read through it a little and I saw my blessings unfold before my eyes. I saw where I was and how each time I wrote to God, I was healing. It was a feeling of pure joy, looking through a book I literally poured everything out of my heart into. I’m not sure who will read this but, I hope whoever does needed to. You can make it. God can take a broken person and make them whole again. He will restore everything you lost and replace it with more than you ever thought you needed. That is his promise. I am here for anyone, no matter what you are going through and, I encourage a prayer journal. I encourage you to pray as often as you can.

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